{Wednesday, 6 July 2011} 1:19 am
I don't know where to start.
I don't know am I considered a lucky person or what? or God is playing trick on me?
or God loves me.

this morning, someone called my mommy.
he offered me a chance to enter science class. he's my vice principal Mr. Sohibul.
he told me to go to his office with a copy or my report cards. so I went to my school and came to him.
he asked me few questions, whether I really want to enter science class or not.
at that very moment, my head began to rumbling.
I don't know what to answer, I was very confused. Those options have some pros and cons.
But since mommy always wants me to enter science class, I agreed to enter it. even though it's against my will.
I don't want to start another fight again with her, it's enough to see her wants to kill me once. not again now, she doesn't hate me again.
our problem is over.
finish. for her.

for me, it's hard to leave something that you really love behind.
I've left someone behind, and I don't want to repeat that again.
but sorry... I just repeated that this morning. :c
that's why picking between social and science class isn't easy as you think, it needs a lot of thought... but you know me, I always change my mind every single minutes.
at one moment, you really think I'd pick A. but just watch in the end, I'd probably end up with B or C. or maybe A.
depends on what I want.
these days, I feel like... I'm not myself.
I used to decide things by myself, I don't care what people would say or feel about that.
but now, people affects my decision.
fuck is it? hard to not be yourself.
everytime i chose an option, i ended up hurting a person. whether it's my mother or myself or someone.

and yesterday, i watched the notebook again.
Noah wants Allie to decide things based on her will, not her parents or people's will.
and Allie finally decide to be with Noah, not Lon. even though it's against her parents will... but she chose it.
she has a courage to choose it. to determine her life, her future.
I used to be so carefree, and careless about what people wants. but now, why? why do I change?
this isn't me, I think I'm possessed?
please call some paranormal or something to normalize me again.
I WANT MY OLD SELF BACK PLEASE, PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP.
is this a part of growing up? why do it has to be hard?
I thought growing up would be easy. simple, you grow up and that's it.

back to first question again. am I lucky?
or just an opportunist?
cause everytime I'm sure that I really want something, something interrupts. I don't know, every people usually got their second chance right?
I blew my second chance here, and I always do.
but in the end, I always, always got a third chance.
always.
that's why I'm pretty unpredictable. no one can guess where I'd end up, me either...
this day was unpredictable too, like i barely knew that daddy was a cross country athlete when he was in the highschool.
and he loves to climb too. I found his old carrier on my granny's shed...
haha I don't believe it at first, but somehow, on my mountaineering group, all the people have this adventure blood or something inside them. I thought I was the only one who doesn't have it, but... my dad was an adventurer too.
I guess that makes sense why he never mad when I said that I want start to climbing mountains.
mommy never agree with me though. i don't care anyway, let her be.

I guess my life will full of surprises!
my advice to you guys is just, never wait to express your feeling, to someone that you care about.
before it's too late :''')
like i usually did.

xo,
Fud