{Sunday, 9 January 2011} 2:10 am
i'm fine baby how are you? :)

never thought that this'll happened to me. yet it does happened to lot of person with me as an exception but this plague directly contaminating me..... within 4 months.
what plague? deadly one?
well, some of it deadly. mostly hurtful.
bottom line is; behind every meeting, there'll be farewell.
that's life, that cycle will go on and on without care about our feeling. it's natural. like love. but do remember a thing; "when something end, something new begin".
what new? like when you're dumped by someone, do believe that there's somebody out there will be the next him/her. do not think like it's the end, like what you always read on fairy tales, true love doesn't have ending, because true love never ends.

i think that what happened to my (both) grandparents.
my paternal one, my paternal gram. he's paralyzed by stroke for about 10 years ago. in 10 years he never leave his bed, can't speak can't move. but my paternal gran always loyal to him. it's like she devoted her life to him, no matter how bad is his condition. just like the wedding vow they read before.
i'm fascinated by her devotion, they say God has given her a special place in heaven because of her loyalty. she's been through a lot. and i hope God forgive all of my gram's fault, because they say the longer we sick, God forgave more of our past sins. I love you gram, gran. you taught me a true love....... i do hope someday i'll get an almost perfect partner like them.

my maternal grandparent has a bit different story.
my maternal gran, she has cancer. 4th stadium. incurable. she's vomiting blood everyday, but my gram, he's a good hubby. he's taking care of all her needs, like going to toilet, bathing her while she can't, feeding her because she can't eat anymore, motivating her while she's down.
my gran's has been diagnosed by oral cancer about last July (2010). they say her cancer isn't dangerous yet, and they recommend her to operate her tongue, but she refused.
now, about 6 months after her first check up, her cancer has spread to almost all of her internal organ, even the vital one (brain).
the doctor says they couldn't do anything again, even if they operate her, it won't do any good, won't change much. so now, my granny only receive chemotherapy which isn't help too much but only to ease her pain a bit.
my gram's always stand beside her, it's like he won't leave her even just for a minute...... everytime she vomit, i see blood. sometimes, a lot of blood. there's time when she's vomit into the sheets, my gram's quickly changed his sheets.

O Gracious God... thanks for giving this things to my fam, it shows that you love us. this kind of test makes us closer to You. and i realize that nothing last forever. even i, have to go home into Your "home" someday.
and i realize that our time is little, and i won't wasting it by work. people have their own choice to spend it. and i want to spend it by exploring this earth, i wanna see every inches of this world. and i wanna top it off by owning a house near the beach, marrying a laid back person and have 3 kids.
i don't dream to be a rich, famous, successful person. all i want is to see the world, so i could give my kids a good bedtime stories everytime i tuck their in.

to whoever read my post here, i guess you'd better start thinking about what do you really want in life. better late than never, it's better late to change your life rather than never changed it and live the life you never wanted. well, nobody could guess one's death isn't it?
take an example of the late Elfa Secioria. no one ever guessed her death because it was so sudden. #RIPELFA. and most people must've guessed that my paternal gram's life would never been this long. his sibling died before him, meanwhile they was very healthy rather than him.
and if i could choose, i'd like to die young while accomplishing my dream. just like the late Rob Gauntlett who died in the avalanche whilst exploring the earth from north to south.
like their dreams. i do have some wild dream, i was dreaming.. that i could explore this earth on foot. like traveling from place to place, country to country by backpack, without exquisite equipment.

hell yeah i need a great travel companion. and i'm thinking of a person like Will....
quit it i'm a sick bitch, Will doesn't exist at all.
the only one who matches Will just my ex crush.. whose i'm still madly in love with. earlier this day i was take a peek of his old pics, which like a time machine, brought me back to past, to times when we're still close... although i keep it cool but still, the truth is, i could never ever forget him. he's contagious, not handsome but there's part in him that makes me fall in love sooooooo deep like freefallin into an abyss.
yeah he must've cast a spell on me :>. i've never felt this way before.. haha i realize that this magical feeling only for a person. it's been 3 years since i first know him, and 2 years since i first realize that i'm in love.
but yeah shit happens, distance separate us. we're not connected again for ages...
truth be told, i miss you. ich vermisse dich. <3<3
thank uuuuu for makin me insane like this, now you already have her in your life. a new girl :)
i'm happy for him, he deserve her..
enough enough

ciao