{Thursday, 29 July 2010} 5:05 am
I'm Fifteen, and I'm positive caught Anorexia Nervosa.
Anorexia Nervosa is a disorder. eating disorder. caused by many things, including "Body Image"

Teenage girls nowaday, are vain.
i admit myself, is a vain girl itself.
i wanna be thin. i wanna be skinny. like those models who walks in runway.
from my perspective, i thought boys, normally like skinny girls with long hair and fair skin.
but actually, in reality, they love normal girls, whose not too thin and fat. they love them, just who they are. boys don't demand girls to be skinny just to pleased them. they want girls to be healthy, eat well, and take care of their self.

but i don't wanna attract boys or anything. i just want to be thin, and skinny.
i don't care if i don't get a boyfriend or what. what i what it's just being thin and tall, like those models.
ok, i'm vain. i wanna be a model, but my height isn't enough. and i'm actually "pretty thin" but my BMI is 17. normal weight.

so one day, i try to lose some by dieting. (it's not actually dieting anyway, it's like fasting all day long.) for some weeks.
i dieting by just drinking cold water (to prevent hunger) and eating some biscuits (low fat) and drinking milk (Low fat-hi calcium). it was like hell, you cannot eat what you want and you'll lose your appetite because of excess drinking cold water.
i done that diet for about a month.
and when i checked in the internet about my condition atm (when eat, i feel fat. feeling guilty after eating, etc.)
i'm... positive... anorexic.
but hey, it's 80% anorexic, and 20% bulimic! (cause i always trying to puke every morning).

and in return, i got my peptic ulcer attacking me again.
so i took some ulcer medicine to reduce the pain, but it's hurt too much till one day i went to the doctor. and he says that my ulcer is worsening everyday. he says that my stomach has been wounded, even though haven't bleed yet. but i'm on a pretty severe condition cause i always puke every morning. and everytime i puke, i threw up some yellowish-rust tasted-liquid (which is my gastric acid).
doctor says i shouldn't skipping meals, and do dieting (i was around 43kg that time, with height 157cm) i was all just bone and skin that time.
so i managed to heal my ulcer, and regain 2 pounds back (44kg). and i reluctantly accept my "new weight" 44kg. it stays for 6 months, till last holiday.

last holiday, my family went to bali. and i ate A LOT that time. when i got home, i checked my weight and
VOILA!
48kg!
nicely done, i was crying cause i wondering how fat i'm. but my friend says otherwise (but my auntie says "wow, you looked stockier than usual")
when i look at the mirror, i couldn't recognize whose reflection is that? whose reflection is that big-fat-ugly-girl?
and i almost cannot see my bones again like i used to see before...
i was desperate, i was trying new types of diet. from detox to thinking about using cocaine for diet (like kate moss did!) but something says i should keep sticking on yuppy-aqua diet.

yuppy-aqua diet is a diet i made for school.
in lunch i'll only ate yuppy gummy bear, and drank cold aqua.
that's what will i do for the rest of my freshman year.
wishfully i'd go back to place i used to be (my old school) but i ended up in 21.
well, let's just look ahead and try to take things as they come.
but if it's not working again, let's go back into anorexic-diet like i used to use in 9th grade (which caused my ulcer).

just remember Lagerfeld's quote about his weight.

Yes, some people say to me you're too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me, only people who could lose a few pounds say that. - Karl Lagerfeld.

so girls, if you wanna be anorexic. better try to know the consequences.
i know the consequences and i don't care. i still wanna be 44-43kg again to make me at peace.
xoxo.